How to say "no" by starting with "yes!"

Your needs as a parent, teacher, spouse, friend–your needs matter too, and it is okay to say no!  But how we say no can be the difference between feeling supported and feeling rejected for a child. Being dismissive is autonomy stripping, whereas showing genuine interest is autonomy building. 

When I need to say no, I try to never start with no, or my defense of no, such as:

“I don’t have time right now, I need to…”

“Not right now, maybe later”

Instead, I prefer the “yes, you! And yes, me too!” formula.  “Your needs matter to me, so much, and I really “see” you. My needs matter to me too.”

“Oh that’s so interesting, you mean ALL plants in that category have serrated leaves?  I had no idea. I want to hear more later, will you promise to talk to me about it?  Right now I need to…”

Replace corrections with radical acceptance whenever possible.  I ask myself, "do I really need to correct this thing, in this moment? Why?" I try to be very conscious about the ways I push back.

When I feel like my own autonomy is being imposed upon, I focus on my own needs and feelings, not correcting the behavior of others.

So instead of corrections, such as:

“Your words are clashing with mine”

“You’re interrupting”

“I’m talking right now”

I might instead say “Ooooh ooh oh one sec, I really want to finish telling you this one thing, it’s super important to me. I want to make sure you have all the information”.  But my tone is asking for a little grace to meet my own need to be understood, not trying to correct anyone.  Notice the total lack of correction, censure, and “you’re wrong and rude for interrupting” attitude.  (I interrupt people all the time, so to expect a different standard from my students and young clients would be both hypocritical and ableist. Neurodivergent people interrrupt each other, and not only is it not rude, it's a neurodivergent social norm!) Instead, I ask the other person to meet my need to be heard, a need that most people can relate to!  I also assume the best of their intentions.  They’re excited!  They want to be heard, too!  And then I take the time to listen, just as I ask of them.