Rejecting the "I know what's best for you" Mindset: a Paradigm Shift

What decisions do we really need to make for our kids?

So many decisions we think are necessary as parents are in actuality fear based: fear of a vague but problematic future, or fear about what current behavior might indicate about our children as adults.  It’s like we project fear forward, and with that scary, unpredictable and nonexistent adult in mind, we try to direct and control the child in front of us, instead of being responsive and accepting, instead of just loving and connecting. 

The irony is that in pushing for specific positive outcomes, there is high risk of unintentionally pushing PDA'ers in the opposite direction. If we push them to be "polite," they may push back by being rude. There is no greater demand than the judgment and expectations of others.

It's worth thinking about how powerful the shift away from judgment and towards honoring autonomy can be, and on prioritizing the child's goals for themselves over our "I know what's best and I will make it happen" adult agendas. So the question then becomes, "how can we reduce demands by increasing our own acceptance of our child's innate right to self direction?"

This starts with small things, like stepping back from teaching neurotypical social expectations and norms, and leaning in to modeling instead. It also includes stepping back from the idea of "non-negotiables" like "you have to try one bite" and "you have to brush your teeth every day." In fact, any time we are tempted to say “but they need to learn X” or to make blanket statements like “it’s important to eat vegetables,” we might benefit from reframing all of that through an autonomy focused lens, one where we trust that our children will grow and learn best when they are in charge of as many of their own decisions as possible, big and small...

and where we focus on listening to them instead of wishing they would listen to us. 

I would also suggest that if I want to set an “eat vegetables every day” goal for myself, or go to school on time, or strive to be more flexible, if I want to eat with my feet on the floor instead of propped up against the table, or at the table at all, and with utensils instead of my hands, if I want to politely greet a friend or family member in expected ways that conform to social norms, well, I should do all those things. Model the life I want to live, in all ways. 

But when it comes to any behavior that makes me want to "teach" my child how to do things "correctly," any time I want to say “no” or “stop”, any time I want to remind my child of social norms like "remember to say 'thank you'", it helps to stop and consider:

• Is it really necessary that I make this decision for my child? 

• Is it necessary that I enforce anything at all, or express judgment?

• Can I work on consistently modeling the behavior I want to see instead? 

• Is this something I would say to a peer or a partner? If no, then why is it okay to say to my child?

• Am I basing my idea of “right choice” on what other people might think, what other people believe to be the right path for a child? 

• Am I basing my intervention on fear of what this behavior might turn into, ten or twenty years in the future? (If so, it's worth considering if I can drop it all and stick to modeling instead.)

• Is it possible to step back and say “yes”? Is there any way I can accept this behavior?

• Instead of correcting, is there a way I can provide more support instead?

• Is it possible to figure out what my problem is, figure out my own underlying need, and seek to meet it without imposing on anyone else?

• Is there any risk of harm in this moment we are in? Does their potential choice infringe upon the rights and autonomy of others, including me? (If it does, this is where I would make efforts at intervention that blocks, stops, diverts or disallows to the best of my ability.)

• What is the worst that can happen here, if I prioritize autonomy and freedom of choice? (If it is an immediate safety risk, I would also step in.)

• What are my long term worries for them, and what is the potential impact?  

• Can I steel myself to accept the condemnation that is likely to come from not enforcing the social order?

• Is there a way I can give all relevant information about potential future harms without scaremongering or leveraging blame and shame?

I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t explain to a child what the impact of their actions or words are, and help them to see the other person’s perspective.  We absolutely should give any information we think might help them process and understand the decision they are facing.  What I’m saying is, it can help a lot to strive to do so without the use of verbal levers, without trying to convince them that we are right and they need to agree.  Every correction we feel is necessary is one more hit against their autonomy, and one more drop in the demands bucket.

And if we’ve already explained and we are pretty sure they understand why something is hurtful to others, the environment, or to themselves – then most likely it is their perspective that is not seen or understood, and it would have the greatest impact to focus on our own understanding, on our own perspective taking, and on acceptance of the child in front of us.