Value Everyone's Autonomy Equally

What decisions do we really need to make for our kids?

So many decisions we think are necessary as parents are in actuality fear based: fear of a vague but problematic future, or fear about what current behavior might indicate about our children as adults.  It’s like we project fear forward, and with that scary, unpredictable and nonexistent adult in mind, we try to direct and control the child in front of us, instead of being responsive and accepting, instead of just loving and connecting. 

The irony is that in pushing for specific positive outcomes, we end up pushing PDA'ers in the opposite direction. There is no greater demand than the judgment and expectations of others, so it's worth thinking about how powerful the shift away from judgment and towards accepting behaviors can be. So the question then becomes, "how can we reduce demands by increasing our own acceptance of our child's innate right to self direction?"

Anytime we are tempted to say “but they need to learn X” or to make blanket statements like “it’s important to eat your vegetables,” we might benefit from reframing all of that through an autonomy focused lens, one where we trust that children will grow and learn best when they are in charge of as many of their own decisions as possible, big and small... and where we focus on listening to them instead of wishing they would listen to us. 

I would also suggest that if you want to set an “eat vegetables every day” goal for yourself, or go to school on time, or strive to be more flexible, if you want to eat with your feet on the floor instead of propped up against the table, and with utensils instead of your hands, if you want to politely greet your friend in expected ways that conform to social norms, well, you should do all those things.  Model the life you want to live, in all ways.  But stop and consider when it comes to any behavior that makes you want to say “no” or “stop”: is it really necessary that I make this decision for my child?  Is it necessary that I enforce anything at all, or express judgment?  Am I basing my idea of “right choice” on what other people might think, what other people believe to be the right path for a child?  Am I basing my intervention on fear of what this behavior might turn into, ten or twenty years in the future?

Some "food for thought" questions:

• Is it possible to step back and say “yes”? Is there any way I can accept this behavior?

• Instead of correcting, is there a way I can provide more support instead?

• Is it possible to figure out what my problem is and figure out my own underlying need?

• How does their potential choice infringe upon the rights and autonomy of others, including me? 

• What is the worst that can happen here, if I prioritize autonomy and freedom of choice?

• What are my long term worries for them, and what is the potential impact?  

• Can I steel myself to accept the condemnation that is likely to come from not enforcing the social order?

• Is there any risk of harm in this moment we are in?

• Is there a way I can give all relevant information about potential future harms without scaremongering or leveraging blame and shame?

I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t explain to a child what the impact of their actions or words are, and help them to see the other person’s perspective.  We absolutely should give any information we think might help them process and understand the decision they are facing.  What I’m saying is, it can help a lot to strive to do so without the use of verbal levers, without trying to convince them that we are right and they need to agree.  And if we’ve already explained and we are pretty sure they understand why something is hurtful to others, the environment, or to themselves – then most likely it is their perspective that is not seen or understood, and it would have the greatest impact to focus on our own understanding, the ways we can help or support them as well as ourselves, and to meet our own needs right alongside theirs.