“Power Games” Initiated by the Adult, Where Everyone Understands the Joke

One way we can proactively equalize is by pretending to be confused, startled, exasperated, outraged, embarrassed, etc, but playfully, and in a way that signals “we are all in on this joke.”  When I was teaching TK and developmental K-1 to a class of majority PDA'ers, I would explain to kids in my classes that sometimes I get confused, and I need a lot of help sometimes. This is all absolutely true, but it was also a way to playfully put myself in a “one down” position while also modeling radical self acceptance.   

When being playfully dramatic about my confusion and incompetence, I pay particularly close attention to my Autistic students who have a more stereotypical autistic presentation, and if I sense any confusion about whether or not I am really feeling confused from anyone, I will explicitly explain that I am pretending (if that’s true), and having fun pretending to be confused right now.  I will also explain that sometimes I am genuinely confused, and they should always feel free to ask me if I’m “for real” at any given moment.  And I appreciate help regardless of whether I am pretending or not!  All children tend to enjoy this game, but neurodivergent kids tend to think “correct the teacher” is downright hilarious, which sometimes leads to a lot of shared joy and laughter, especially when it is expected and anticipated.

So I might start circle time every day by talking out loud about what I’m doing.  “Let’s see…. What day is it, hmm?  I see 1, 2, and 3 up there, so yesterday was the third of march.  So that means today is the….” I act purposefully confused and start shuffling through the velcro numbers, with an exaggerated look of bafflement on my face.  Some kids start laughing, they know this game. Two of the kids sitting at circle yell “four!” “Oh right,” I respond cheerfully, “today is the fourth!  Here it is, I think?” I hold up the number 14.  Kids groan and start laughing and say “noooooo, that’s the 14!” 

This “pretending incompetence” works best if we’re all in on the joke together.  I act confused on purpose, they know it’s on purpose, I will admit it’s on purpose if anyone seems confused, or if anyone asks for clarification.  Essentially, I do not want to confuse them, because then it becomes autonomy stripping interaction rather than autonomy building, so I will say it clearly if anyone doesn’t seem to “get the joke.” “Yes, I am just pretending.  I think it’s fun to be silly and pretend not to know things.”  These things I pretend not to know are small, easy things, and I accept corrections gracefully and joyfully.  This is true whether or not my confusion is genuine, and whether or not it feels easy to me, but I want it to feel easy to them.

If no one says anything to help me out, I might say “oh wait a second… that’s not a FOUR it’s a FOURTEEN, I am so silly.”  And I pull out the four, and reach for the calendar, which I can never reach, because I’m sitting on the floor.  And of course I am sitting on the floor, because they are sitting on the floor, maybe on beanbags, maybe in scoop chairs, maybe lying under a blanket, but regardless, they’re all down low– and physical leveling is important too! If I sit in a chair and look down on the kids, that’s just one more thing I will need to proactively equalize for.  

So I struggle to reach, I strain, but it is too far away. I say, “I can’t reach!  Can anyone help me out?”  Maybe someone jumps up to help, maybe someone rolls their eyes and points out, “you could just get UP.”  If someone helps me, I might say “thanks for your help!”  If a correction directed at me doesn’t contain an insult, like the eye rolling “snarky tone” above example, I will accept that sarcasm and eye roll, and again lean into playfulness, like “oh you are SO right, I COULD get up.  Why didn’t I think of that?  Probably because I like to be lazy!” and then laugh as I hoist myself up, and put it on the board.  

The PDA'ers in the class tend to be hyper aware of snarky tones, even if not all children hear it so clearly.  I want them to see that not only do I not see a problem with snarkiness directed at me, I welcome this kind of equalizing with playfulness, because none of what they said or did feels like a threat to my autonomy. It feels like a very reasonable thing for a child to do and say, if we remove hierarchical assumptions of “this is what respect looks like from a child to an adult”.  As a teacher who is hoping that children agree to come and sit at circle time, hoping they will pay attention, engage, I have to find ways to balance those hopes, to balance the “power position” I am in by proactively leveling, so I welcome these opportunities.  

If a PDA’er tried to equalize against me in a way that pushed against my autonomy, such as insulting me, yelling at me, like “you’re so stupid, just get up”, then I’m no longer playing a game, I’m no longer having fun.  I’m not ever on board with being blamed, insulted or yelled at.  But I don’t retaliate, scold, or punish in return.  I see that for whatever reason, they’re hurting, or they’re feeling disconnected.  I will respond to the positive part first, like “well, I agree doing it myself is a good idea” but then follow it with, “but I prefer to be spoken to with kindness.”  I state my preferences for how I like to be treated, and my demeanor shifts to “I’m not playing anymore, it’s not fun for me and I won’t pretend it is” and I move on, I put the card on the board.  

While I encourage kids to equalize in a lot of ways, I never pretend to be okay with being treated “poorly”.  The thing is, though, a lot of things most adults think of as “disrespectful” are behaviors I have no problem with, and even encourage.  I try to radically accept all behavior that is not unsafe, or harmful or unkind to me or to others.  Radical acceptance of everything I can makes a lot of space for necessary equalizing and also serves to build a relational foundation where kindness is everyone’s norm, where we discover that we can indeed live collaboratively and not step on each other’s toes, because there is still so much space for equalizing. 

If after we achieve this sense of “whole class equalization”, a child does say something “deliberately mean” to me, it is a big clue to me that they need extra support, extra co-regulation, and more focus on their own autonomy.  I don’t accommodate unkindness directed at me or others, I make my preferences clear, but then I shift to focusing on figuring out how to boost that child’s sense of relational autonomy over the next few days and beyond.