Proactive Equalizing with PDA'ers: Seek Opportunities in Every Interaction

When we see through an autonomy focused lens, most interactions with children provide opportunities to help them either co-regulate or collaborate.  This is especially true of any interaction that has the potential to become a conflict.

Consider the difference between the following replies:

Your child says “hey mom?” when you’re on the phone.  

There are a variety of possible responses, from most autonomy stripping to responses that promote autonomy (including yours) along with connection.  

Complaining about them to others, passive aggressiveness: “Ugh, my kid is interrupting me again, it’s like they don’t even see I AM ON THE PHONE”

Scolding: “can’t you see I’m on the phone?” 

Criticizing: “You’re interrupting” 

Ordering, Demanding: “You need to wait.”

Ignoring: You turn away your body away from them, lean in to the phone and put a finger up, as if to say “wait”

Radical acceptance: An ideal approach when a child’s frustration tolerance is low: purposely promoting autonomy by “leveling down” in an “I’m willing to take you seriously and put you first, because I see you need that” kind of way: “Can you hold on a second? Jay has a question.”  “Mandy, I need to go.  Can I call you back later?”

Balancing everyone’s autonomy: Ideal in times of low stress, and a long term goal: you value your authentic needs and your autonomy right along with your child’s: “Mandy, can you hold on a second? Jay has a question.” “What’s up? Yes, happy to help you with that.  I need about 10 more minutes for this phone call and then I’m all yours.”