The "Overstretch --> Reduced Capacity" Cycle

PDA'ers are like a rubber band, and there is only so much stretch in a day.

Overstretching one day leads to less stretch the next, and the next, and it’s cumulative.

The more we're forced to exceed our capacity in a variety of ways, the smaller our capacity gets.

Sometimes all the stretch we have for the day is used up in one place, and there is nothing left for anywhere else.

So maybe a child seems to do well in school, but they fall apart when they get home, and we get restraint collapse, and lots of equalizing (aka behavioral pushback).

If this "overstretch --> reduced capacity" spiral continues, then over time, that's the path to sustained high anxiety, to burnout. That's the path to school refusal.

When home and school look very different, like a child does well in school but falls apart at home, that difference in itself is a huge red flag that masking is taking a real toll on them and they're potentially in this spiral.

The ideal response to restraint collapse in any environment is to increase adult flexibility and collaboration in every environment, but PARTICULARLY in the high masking environment, to reduce those stressors where they happen. This is true even if the child's behavior is "perfect" in that high masking zone.

More often, what we see happening INSTEAD is that stretch used up in one environment has to be compensated for by accommodation in other environments. And because there's no stretch left for other environments, that accommodation can look really extreme.

This cycle also tends to create a dynamic where PDA parenting looks permissive to people on the outside. The child's teacher might think "if they only approached things the way we did at school (in ways that I know work for the child!) then everything would be fine at home". This couldn't be further from the truth for PDA'ers in this "overstretch leads to reduced capacity" cycle.

Teacher's also might think "I have no problems at school with this child. Behavior at home is a home problem." Again, this couldn't be further from the truth. The cycle of overstretch is everyone’s job to correct (regardless of the current impact on “access to the curriculum”).

Teachers of PDA’ers who get stuck on the idea that “all problems are clearly caused by the home being too permissive” can be blinded to the impact of the excessive and invisible demands they place on the child all day long, sending them home each day to collapse into a puddle of exhaustion.

For 85% of PDA’ers, the long term impact is this: the cycle gets worse, and capacity gets smaller, until there is no stretch left. Challenging behaviors can no longer be contained to the home environment, and inevitably spill over into the school environment. Teachers tend to react to new behavioral challenges by pushing the child harder for compliance. Eventually, “access to the curriculum” is cut off by needs based non-attendance.

Teachers, it benefits us to be proactive about the ways we are flexible and accommodating, so we are using up only a fair amount of stretch, rather than overusing all the stretch every day. It benefits us to believe parents, and see restraint collapse for the real risk that it is, rather than just a “home problem”.