Perspective Taking: Reducing Stress and Equalization Needs by Increasing Relational Equity

One of the first things I like to talk about in coaching sessions is to challenge my clients to shift to verbally reflecting the child's perspective first in every interaction, even the low conflict interactions. The more a child feels consistently understood, their reality pinged back at them by a safe person with the consistency of active sonar, the more they will assume this will be also true in times of conflict.

When our focus is first (and overall, equally) on seeing and reflecting the child's perspective for them, and finding solutions that work for them, they accurately feel like we are reliably "on their side". It's then easier to then shift everyone's focus to finding ways to accommodate our needs alongside theirs. They're already motivated, they already feel understood and like they input and opinion are valuable.  The ideal, equity focused, PDA'er friendly way to engage in conflict is to join forces to solve a common problem, not to battle each other.

What most people do in conflict, though, especially with children, is to instead engage in a sort of effort narrowly focused defense that can be summed up as “I processed what you're saying but I reject it. So I will ignore it, and instead respond with MY argument and MY problems". For example,

"Mommy, I really want to go to the park today."

"But I already told you that today is a working day for me, and I need to go to work, and you need to go to school. Maybe after I get home from work, but it's late and I'd need to also start dinner."

The adult's unspoken processing and fears during this exchange might go something like this:

Even if I understand your perspective, I'm afraid to acknowledge it, explore it, or even express understanding because you might take it to mean I'm "giving in" and saying yes to going to the park. You need to hear what I am saying, and understand the critical reality here, that it's not possible, I need to go to work. We both know I am in charge of you, and MY opinion is the priority here. I feel panicked and flooded at the thought of what saying "no" to you is going to do.

The child's unspoken processing and fears during this exchange might go something like this:

You don't understand my perspective and you are ignoring how intensely I feel about the park. You didn't even consider it before trying to convince me I'm being unreasonable. I feel misunderstood and like my perspective isn't seen or valued at all. The more you try to shut me down, the more I need to push back and make you see I am right and you are wrong. The more you argue with me, the more it becomes a "you vs. me" battle. You seem to think you have the right to make decisions about me without me, and I will never agree with you. I feel panicked and flooded.

Instead, prioritize perspective taking.

The skill of prioritizing perspective taking while simultaneously holding our own perspective and needs as equally important is the ongoing work of a lifetime.  If we want our children to learn this skill, the direct path to that learning comes from consistent modeling, and seeking to master it ourselves.

"Mommy, I really want to go to the park today."

"You really love the park, especially swinging on the swings. Remember last time when we played the "shooting like a rocket ship" game? And I love taking you. I wish we could figure out a way to make that happen today, that would be fun. Let's see.. I get home from work at 4:30. Maybe we could go then? I'd really like to find a way to make it work."

When we engage children from the “power over you, I decide, you can battle me but never win” position, where they ask something of us and we then debate and decide FOR them, we’re robbing them of some really powerful and positive collaborative modeling, as well as practice with conflict resolution skills we want to become innate for them.

 It is never necessary to argue with a child or convince them they are wrong, that can’t happen, they can’t have it, not right now, I already told you, I said no, etc. Instead, find a way to agree or empathize. Nothing needs to change about what is actually happening, though it’s always good to be open to finding ways to make requests work that also works for you.

So instead of:

• “Not right now”

• “Sorry, that’s not part of the plan”

• “there’s no time in the schedule today”

• "We can't because it's time for school"

• “I already told you X is not possible”

Try for:

If the thing is impractical or impossible, focus on empathy, reflecting back what they’re saying, and showing an interest in hearing more. 

• Oh, I know, you REALLY like X.

• It’s hard to not be able to X whenever you want to. 

• Do you like X best when it is this or that?

• I know this one thing about X. I’d love to learn more.

• I know you really want that. I wish I could make it happen. I wish right now we could fly to a place that has all the X in the world.

• I wish we had X right now, like so much X we were drowning in it.

• I wonder if I would like X.  I’ve never tried it.  I wonder…

• I get it, you’re so disappointed. You really wanted that (take care when labeling feelings, because some autonomy focused kids will not feel this as supportive.  Focus on their response to your reflection and if acknowledging feelings seems to feel validating for them, or threatening.)

If the demand might be possible at some point or in some way, try to find that “path to yes” while also considering and speaking out loud your own needs. This is the power of modeling collaborative skills, because a person who feels confident we are on their side will easily turn their focus to making sure our needs are considered, too. It's the fair and equitable thing to do, and "fair and equitable" is a PDA'er strength we can lean into.

• I think we can figure out how to do that. But I need help because/ here are my concerns.  I don’t want to deal with… (a big mess, shopping, etc–whatever the reason). Can you think of a way we can … (do it that is super easy clean up? Purchase it without making an extra trip? Find a low cost option)?

• I want to find a way for you to do X, I really do

• You’re right, we need to find a way to plan that. Let’s look at the schedule and figure out where it fits… 

• Hmm, how about we…

• Let’s write it down so we don’t forget, I can see that’s important to you, and I tend to forget things.  This will help me remember.

• Let’s take a picture of it and add it to an album so we can keep important things all in one place.  

• Let’s try to figure it out. 

Note: Maintain low demand language. Keep questions to a minimum, and only ask questions you think the child would enjoy answering. ("Oh interesting, tell me more" type questions and "I wonder how we can make this work for you?" type questions.) Never ask a question more than once. If the child doesn't answer, pause for processing, and then move on to another reflective angle.

However we approach conflict, the dynamic has the potential to feed on itself, positive or negative, because we develop patterns in how we approach conflict, and in our lens of conflict. 

I try to keep my lens really conscious, especially when working with multiple PDA’ers in the same classroom, because some days it felt like I was sucked into conflict all day long by children, one after the other. At least, that’s how each interaction started, with them demanding something of me, often things I could not possibly provide given the constraints of the job. This was equally true when parenting young PDA'ers. How I respond to one child's small demand or request has a cumulative effect on every child, again, positive or negative.  A focus on my own perspective taking skills, on seeing their side of things as the first order of business, helps to stabilize everyone and help bring peace and a foundation of felt safety, whether it is at home or in the classroom.