Moving beyond Declarative Language: When Support Replaces Correction

Instead of thinking

“What is this child doing wrong?”

“What behavior needs correction?”

“I should tell them so they can fix it.”

Think

“How can I best support this child?”

“How can I best accept this child (and all their neurodivergent traits)?”

"What underlying needs are present for everyone?"

Example Scenario: Bella and Marcos are second grade students, both PDA'ers, and are currently sitting next to each other on the rug, waiting for circle time to start. Bella is feeling a bit wiggly and having a hard time getting comfortable. She doesn't seem to notice she is occasionally bumping into Marcos. Marcos hasn't said anything yet, but he is trying to shift away from Bella and looks slightly annoyed.

The teacher has some options to choose from in terms of approach.

“Bella, I notice you’re bumping into Marcos a little bit.” is an example of a correction that uses declarative language, but would still be felt as autonomy stripping by a PDA'er, as the underlying message is “Bella, you are making a mistake you need to correct.” If Bella is a PDA'er, a typical defensive response would be to dig in and bump into Marcos more, or on purpose.

Instead, identify who has the problem, and focus on meeting their underlying needs.

“Marcos, do you have enough space? I want to make sure you’re comfortable. Could you move over just a little that way so you have the space you need?” The message here is “I am concerned for you, Marcos, I am thinking of your needs and valuing them”.

or

"Bella, I know you like sitting on beanbags so I brought you one, so you can be more comfy", and moving the beanbag to create more space for both children.

I would not criticize Bella, because it’s not about correcting Bella, it’s about supporting both Marcos and Bella.  If I did start by mentioning Bella in a critical way, blaming her, and taking sides declarative language style (“I notice your body is bumping into Marcos”), Marcos would likely then dig in and not be willing to move. Likely so would Bella, because the subtle lines of blame and shame have been drawn, and now they both may feel the need to protect their current space.

When I instead focus on “what need is not being met here”, maybe focusing on helping Marcos (rather than verbally nudging Bella to self correct by pointing out her flaws), this helps Bella with seeing Marcus’ perspective, without defensiveness.  Bella likely notices WHY Marcos needs space and also wants to help Marcos, because she is inclined to be always helpful, and she then will self correct with zero feelings of shame. Usually. Or not. But either way, I am focusing on meeting needs (Marcos needs more space, Bella needs more space and/or grounding and/or a supportive adult close to her and/or active verbal co-regulation/easy banter) rather than on correcting behavior.

As support teacher in this situation, I might also:

•  silently position myself between Bella and Marcos with the intent of maintaining Marcos’s space.

•  give Bella a more comfortable seating option, a weighted blanket and a fidget.

• draw Bella into a game of “trade hand squeezes” if she continues to be restless, and if the expectation at circle time is "quiet," or hand slaps and punches if it is not. 

• I might engage in a quiet conversation with her throughout circle time, since she has a high need for frequent verbal co-regulation, prioritizing connection over the "we need to be quiet and pay attention during circle time" expectation.

Or I may just help Marcos out, noticing his discomfort and suggesting a way he could get more space. Does focusing support on making sure Marcos’s needs are met somehow "teach" Bella to be more aware of her body in space or his impact on others? Maybe, a little, but possibly not in the slightest, and that’s fine too.  Because everyone felt successful and supported---and that is the whole point. 

Would telling her she is bumping into others make her more aware of her body in space or her impact on others? For about half a second, yes. Though the feeling of shame is likely to linger longer than that (“I screwed up without noticing, yet again”), and the half second moment of awareness will not make her more aware tomorrow, or even 2 minutes later. It may also make her frown and be self protective for a while. It may even make her more inclined to bump into Marcus.

Did pointing out Marcos’s need in a supportive way help Bella to recognize her own needs, and maybe even open the door to Bella helping Marcos by giving him a little more space?  Did she feel good about herself in the process? There’s a good chance the answer is to both is yes, but not if she's feeling scolded.

"Replacing correction with support" as a mindset shift can be applied to most any behavior. All day long, every interaction contributes to a PDA'ers sense of felt safety and relational equity. As parents and teachers, it's our job to also be hyper aware of the language we use and our underlying mindset, and to move beyond the basics of declarative language and correction to instead focus on support and connection.