"Whose Problem Is It?" Leveraging the Power of Collaborative Communication

 When I discovered Parent Effectiveness Training in 2016, a collaborative parenting system founded by Thomas Gordon (at around the same time Roseberg was developing NVC), it felt a little like I was already living in harmony with the P.E.T. philosophy, but I also felt inspired.  As a system of communication, it validated truths that feel innate to me: that everyone's needs matter equally, that we should live as we intend to go on: in equity and connection. It even considers questioning to be one of the “roadbocks to communication,” and feeling questions as demands has always been such an issue for me, both personally and in trying to apply both the NVC and CPS models with my own kids over the years.  So in 2016, I fell in love with P.E.T., signed up to take the instructor level course, and flew to LA to complete an amazing week of training. Our family life was pretty stable at the time, but encountering and incorporating P.E.T. skills into my own toolbox made our approach feel so much more solid. 

Out of the four main collaborative systems (P.E.T., CPS, NVC and RIE), I find RIE and P.E.T. have the most value for me personally, because they are both innately on autonomy and equity.  One of my favorite P.E.T. concepts is the first one discussed in the book, the concept of "Whose Problem Is It?" and how the answer shapes our own response and interaction. It helps me a lot to consider this question, because my inclination is to "fix it" regardless of whose problem it is. I've found this to be true of a lot of parents of PDA'ers, and it makes sense: theoretically, "fixing it" avoids drama and disaster, and its hard to let go of that. It's hard to trust.

What I've come to realize is that valuing autonomy and self-determination to whatever extent I safely can in PDA'ers is the ideal, even if the "answer" or solution seems obvious and simple to me. If it is the other person's problem, then I try to respond with active listening, empathy, and a focus on co-regulation. I remind myself that solving the problem is not my job, and if I were to be so controlling as to try to solve another PDA'ers problems for them, the most likely outcome is that no solution will ever be good enough, and the goalposts will keep moving. The "fix it mindset" is rooted in trying to maintain power and control, and as PDA'ers, we are innately wired to recognize these threats and push back, sometimes to our own detriment.

If we instead see "whose problem is it?" through the lens of valuing autonomy, then something seemingly simple like “I’m hungry” is clearly their problem to solve, not our problem to solve.  Instead of acknowledging their struggle and focusing on co-regulatory support (and the child's ownership of this problem) most parents would naturally jump to trying to own the problem themselves, and quickly jump into “solve it” mode, instead of co-regulating, understanding, and active listening. I know it's my gut reaction to try to "find food." This strips autonomy, so ironically, it’s like we are making "food" less accessible in trying to solve a problem that isn’t ours.  

So instead of setting ourselves up to do battle when others have a problem, think of it as moving to stand on their side, to be fully present and helpful, without grasping at control and solutions.

“I’m hungry”

“Ugh”

“I don’t know what I want”

“That’s the worst kind of hunger, when you can’t imagine anything you want”

“Yeah it’s like so frustrating, I’m hungry and nothing feels good enough”

“Like the whole world is full of food and you’re starving and none of it is edible”

“I really want to eat something”

Nodding, “because you’re hungry!”

Seeking the path to agreement, instead of setting ourselves up for conflict is a powerful mindset shift.  Be willing to help, of course.  Be willing to list all possible food ideas if they ask. But if they say “I don’t want ANY of that” move back to agreeing. Don’t continue to argue, like “well, that’s all we have” and “I don’t know what to tell you.”  Disagreeing, standing in opposition, disapproval, low key arguments, these all strip autonomy and will lead to PDA’ers escalating pushback.

And if this is a problem that comes up often, it might help to proactively set the environment up for success, in this case with easy access to “grab and go”, always available type safe foods. We can also be willing to fetch things and help if we can, to model helping and active support. When we see through a PDA lens, it is better to wait to be enlisted in solving the problem, rather than thinking the problem is ours to solve the minute they mention they are hungry.  Because giving solutions to someone else’s problem, instead of focusing on active listening, is not collaborating.  Solving problems for others, telling them their reactions are too big, trying to argue theyre not being reasonable, finding a “declarative language” way to say "no"–none of that is collaborating.  It is setting ourselves up for a unnecessary fight, perhaps fight after fight, all day long. By moving into "fix it mode," we essentially remove their access to choice by creating an“I need to push back to prove my own autonomy here” dynamic.

So in any potential conflict, I always ask myself, “Who is the one with the problem? Who has an agenda here?”  If it’s not me, then I consciously try to shift my focus is on active listening and believing them when their feelings seem so much bigger than their stated problem.  I’m not here to judge, to analyze what “the real problem” is, to teach flexibility, or to teach perspective taking.  No, my goal is to be the person who is capable of doing all those things for them, to be flexible, to focus on my own perspective taking and acceptance of where they're at, not to be the one who judges their feelings or solves their issue. 

Instead, I focus on understanding, on reflecting back the feelings and sentiments they are expressing.  Instead, I am focusing on my own collaborative skill set, active listening and providing autonomy focused co-regulation, for as long as they want to complain.  Sometimes, when I worked as a teacher of PDA’ers, I felt like some days my core job was consumed with agreeing and understanding complaints and the perspectives of others, and all the big feelings that go with them, all day long.  Agreeing, focusing on co-regulation, gives space for choice and them finding a solution, whereas arguing does not.

They lead, and I follow: because the problem is theirs, not mine. And I am confident they are capable of finding their own best solutions long term, with my support.